Monday, October 7, 2013

How to Tell if the Worshipers Around You Actually Believe That God is Less "Far Out" ...

... than Something Far, Far Off.

Or Maybe Just Off.

A Practical, Scripturally-Based Handbook of Diagnostic Symptoms and Signs

1.)   They sway and shout loud ... really loud ... important, for the conscious or unconscious ego's attempt to gain a locked-up-in-heaven-or-vacationing deity's avid attention (1 Kings 18:28; AV translation).

According to their theories and "anxiety bench" surmises, such expression could serve as a usefully objective demonstration of faith's genuineness, as measured in dB's.   In a pinch, though, determination of the perspiring supplicant's galvanic skin response (GSR) may adequately suffice. 

2.)   Their priests are exceedingly into instruments of bodily self alteration,  so as to capture their deity's attention to themselves.

Like the employment  of a death-dealing knife plunged into the skin (1 Kings 18:28), for instance.  In a pinch, though, a hypoxia-dealing hangin' noose around the neck (perhaps secured with a natty Windsor half-knot) will often do nicely.

Others within this spectrum of clerics ... surely ... may prefer lipstick (especially Shirley); but only if the device is PETA approved.

3.)   They eschew the notion of a sacrifice to a deity, positioned on wood (1 Kings 18:26; but cf. 1 Kings 18:33)  In America, an important and domineering variation are those groups which eschew even any reminder of a corpus placed on wood, within their "sanctuaries."

4.)   God is obviously not seen hanging from their rafters or found at the drums (much less any Altar) , so they eat and drink the stuff they've selected and deemed essential for an ego-soothing worship experience ; fill up their bellies; and thence rise up to "play" (Ex 33:6; AV translation).  "Praise the Lord and pass the latte, willya buddy.  Don't forget I called firsts dibs on lane 3 at the seeker-friendly bowling alley, in the fellowship hall.  And where's your cute wife?"

5.)  They are deserving of targeted ridicule, by those familiar with the Word (1 Kings 18:27).    

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